Being stared at by so many S-rank ninjas gave Ren shivers, but he nevertheless stayed in the role, and with a smiling, innocent tone, he asked straight in their faces, "Is something wrong?"
The bowl of popcorn 'slipped' from his hand, and he flailed around a bit... coincidentally sending it straight at Hidan's head, where it landed upside down, causing popcorn to rain on him on its way to the floor.
"Opsie?" Ren couldn't help but snicker as Hidan pulled the bowl from his head, his hair full of salt.
Ren did not intend to reveal himself, but when Pein started talking about interfering with the happenings of the Chunin Exams, he no longer had a choice.
He needed to make enough trouble for them to divert their attention to something else. He needed to give them a different goal to chase. And what better goal than chasing an infiltrator?
They won't be able to organize an attack on Konoha on short notice. Things like that take a lot of planning, and Ren only needed to waste a week, maybe two, for that plan to no longer be viable.
So, channeling his inner silliness, Ren was happy he donned his makeshift Akatsuki Tobi costume beforehand, because he was going to make them mad enough to put their plans on hold.
"Who are you?" Pein asked, not losing his cool in the slightest as he gestured at the murderous Hidan to calm down. But to be fair, he probably didn't see Ren as a threat either way. He was arrogant like that after playing this life with constant cheat codes in the shape of Rinnegan.
He was like those damn overpowered protagonists who, unlike the respectable folks that had to work for it, think they are hot shit just because they received unfair power for free right of the bat.
Ren was so jealous!
He could not wait to give the real Nagato an unannounced surprise visit one of these days, maybe even flicking his forehead to give him a small reality check.
Unfortunately, exploring Amegakure and finding his position would have to wait for now.
Seeing that Pein was getting fed up with the silence enough for it to show on his puppet's face, Ren smugly grinned. Not that they could see it through his mask, but he firmly believed the sentiment was conveyed by his voice.
"What do you mean? Tobi is Tobi!"
Pein's expression slightly darkened, and he opened his mouth, about to speak, when he was suddenly interrupted by an upset, high-pitched voice.
"No! I am Tobi!" Tobi exclaimed, causing everybody, even Ren, to turn toward him and find him standing with his hands on his hips.
For a moment, Ren wondered what Obito truly thought right now under his childish facade. But then he shakily, as if in disbelief, raised his arm and pointed his finger at Tobi with a loud gasp.
"An impostor!?" He exclaimed in a bewildered tone. "Why are you not apprehending him!?"
"Tobi is not an impostor!" Tobi angrily yelled. "Tobi i-"
But Ren interrupted him with a firm, "Is, too!"
"Is not!" Tobi shook his head.
"Uh-uh."
"Nu-uh!"
"Yes." Ren strongly said.
"No!" Tobi protested.
Only for Ren to smugly counter with, "Prove it!"
"..."
Tobi speechlessly stared at Ren, with no idea what to say to that. It was just for a moment, but Ren counted that as his win while the rest of Akatsuki stared at them in dumbfounded disbelief that this was really happening.
"I-" Tobi started, but Pen's patience ran out.
"Enough." He uttered, glaring at Ren, who tilted his head, pretending to be clueless. "Kill h-"
"Nooo! Deidara-senpai, save me!" Ren suddenly appeared behind Deidara, hiding behind his body after utilizing the seal he had at the back of his throat to teleport.
He was ready to do that during the entirety of the previous talk, just in case somebody got trigger-happy.
Deidara, realizing Ren's position, stiffened for a split second, but then he quickly turned around and whipped his hand at Ren, throwing a clay spider at him while jumping back...
Only for Ren to use a pro-gamer move. He ducked.
The spider sailed through the air, straight at Kisame, who was on his way toward Ren from behind, and started to glow.
Kisame's eyes widened, and he just barely managed to use his sword as a make-shift shield before the spider exploded, causing the whole room to shake as it sent enough dust into the air to obscure everybody's vision.
"Sasori-sama, Deidara-senpai is mean!" Ren exclaimed in his imitation of Tobi's voice, but naturally, it was very off, so his enemies could tell that it was him instead of Tobi.
Because of that, Sasori didn't hesitate and sent his senbon-throwing device at him, causing a veritable hail of senbon to rain toward where his voice came from... making Hidan into a porcupine as Ren used his Intangibility Seal.
It was just in time for Kakuzu to use a small wind technique to clear the dust from the air and restore the visibility.
Nobody had seen Ren's use of intangibility just yet, but they clearly saw how Hidan was skewered by hundreds of long needles and shrieked in pain.
Ren slowly turned toward Sasori and blinked, "Oh? Sasori-sama did an 'Opsie', too?" He sent the puppet master a thumbs-up. "Good assist!"
He could almost physically feel how pissed Sasori was right there and then, and he was about to comment again when he suddenly felt his instincts scream at him. Listening to the warning, he moved his head to the side, only for a kunai, courtesy of Itachi, to fly an inch from his cheek.
Not looking toward Itachi, Ren threw a kunai at him in return. One, Itachi easily caught in his hand with almost contemptuous ease as he gave a bored, 'is that all' look at Ren.
It lasted a second at most before the seal on the kunai opened, and Itachi was hit in the noggin by Sasuke's used underwear. One that saw him through some heavy-duty training, so it stank enough to make the older Uchiha gag.
Ren swears he did not intend to take it! But when one of his clones was procuring a set of Sasuke's clothing, it also brought it, and Ren decided that it might come in handy one day.
That day was clearly today.
"Raiton: Gian!" Kakuzu's voice resounded through the room, and a very concentrated lightning strike flew at incredible speed toward Ren, passing through him as if he weren't there, and impacting Hidan, who had just managed to pull out the last senbon from his body and was ready to re-engage in the carnage.
Everybody bar Hidan, who exploded in burnt gore, limb there, feet there, and head flying somewhere too, stopped in their tracks when they saw Ren using Tobi's technique.
Pein glanced at Tobi, who stood at the back of the room, silently observing the fight, and narrowed his eyes at him.
"Tobi. Is this some sort of distasteful joke?" Pein asked, probably believing that Ren was Tobi's shadow clone or something.
Not one to miss an opportunity, Ren yelled a loud and excited, "Yes!"
While Tobi dryly said, "No." at the same time.
They paused and looked at each other, Ren giving Tobi a small hand wave, making his fingers subtly twitch in annoyance.
'Hey! Another win!' Ren inwardly cheered.
Pein looked from Ren to Tobi and back, a small, hesitant frown on his face. He was almost going to Shinra Tensei the rude bastard to oblivion, but now he was slightly hesitant. Was this just Madara playing and testing their vigilance or something?
Despite Ren's cheerful and silly act, he was inwardly sweating bullets. That previous encounter happened within a few short seconds, and reacting to so many S-rank ninjas attacking was no easy feat. His chakra pool already had a sizable dent in it. He could not keep this up, but this much was not enough.
They were not angry enough to drop everything in order to try hunting him down.
"I am Tobi!" Knowing he needed to do something to show Pein that this was not one of his plans, Tobi decided to pull Ren's own move and yelled as he pointed at him. "He is an impostor! Get him!"
Ren gave him an affronted gasp in return.
"You can't be Tobi! You are obviously Tobito Uchiha!" That made Tobi freeze cold in his tracks. And while others, except Itachi, who owlishly blinked, and Pein, who narrowed his eyes, did not put much importance on that name, Tobi was clearly shocked at hearing his real name in there.
"My brother from a different mother!" Ren exclaimed and wiped an imaginary tear from under his mask's eyehole before he turned toward Pein and gave him an understanding look. "He was always jealous of me. It's why he is using my name!"
Ren mock-sighed, "Does he still go around, telling people he is Madara Uchiha? I am sorry, he is just touched in the head like that. It's an inborn defect. There is no cure."
Tobi, however, quickly recovered and instantly dropped his childish act. He snarled and, in his normal, deep tone, he barked an order. "What are you fools doing!? Attack him!"
That was enough for most of the Akatsuki members to shake off their bewilderment as they started sending ranged attacks at Ren.
Kakuzu threw another Gian at Ren, this time aiming it in such a way that nobody stood behind his target, so even if it passed through Ren, there wouldn't be more friendly fire.
Sasori sent more poisoned needles and other varieties of hidden weaponry at Ren, even pulling out his flamethrower at one point before he started blasting Ren with it.
Deidara refrained from using his bombs indoors again, but only with a scowl and because Pein sent him a very unamused look.
Itachi showed his capabilities with fire release as he sent one fireball after another toward Ren, not bothering to use anything stronger.
Even Kisame contributed with a Water Bullet.
Pein and Tobi did not bother to attack, opting to observe, while Konan had predominantly paper techniques, and using them was pointless with all the fire the others were throwing at Ren.
Hidan... was still in pieces, but even if he was whole, he wouldn't really be able to do anything as a melee-only fighter. He was just as useless as ever.
For three whole minutes, the Akatsuki members threw technique after technique at Ren, who decided to show his dominance by standing in his spot, taking it all like a gigachad, giggling in return, and cheering them on.
After the three minutes, even their onslaught of jutsu considerably lessened, and Ren decided it was time for some revelations.
He put his hands on his hips and used a technique to amplify his voice, so it would be heard through the noise of all the techniques passing through him, before he started imitating a chicken. "I am the real Tobi, and I am mad at Bakashi that he reached Rinrin's heart before me. He grasped it real tight, too! Enough to make it burst. Rinrin never really recovered from it. The poor girl became heartless. Hehe~."
"You are dead!" Tobi shrieked, mad beyond belief as he was clearly trying to use his Mangekyo to interfere with Ren's intangibility.
Unfortunately for the easily manipulable idiot, Ren's intangibility was not a product of Mangekyo Sharingan, so it did exactly jack-shit.
"So, I made a great plan! Because Tobi is a smart boy!" Ren continued, ignoring Obito's scream full of rage as he started to try to send mokuton attacks at him to no avail. "I am going to get a collection of big pets with fluffy tails! Putting them together will make wink, wink, nudge, nudge at the world! And I shall see Rinrin again! Ehehehe~, I can't wait!"
Now that gave Pein a small pause, and even Kisame looked a bit unamused as he probably started inwardly asking himself some very interesting questions.
The others didn't care because they were as misinformed about the Akatsuki plans as they possibly could be. They had no frame of reference, so only thought Ren was spewing some bullshit, not understanding the hidden message in there.
Itachi seemed to be a bit suspicious, but Ren doubted he remembered Minato's team and could put two and two together. Despite being from one clan, Obito and he were from two very different generations. They never met each other, and Obito Uchiha was not somebody who would be remembered long by his clan.
As for Zetsu, he looked a bit spooked, but fortunately for him, Ren didn't want to poke that hornet nest just yet, so he wouldn't be revealing anything about Kaguya.
No. His goal was to mess only with Obito for now.
Ren glanced at Pein. "Not that the mean and weird ringy-eyed kid could tell my super secret plan! After everything is over, I can just beat him like a redheaded stepchild. Let the idiot do all the work, hehehe. I am brilliant!" Turning completely toward Pein and still ignoring the onslaught of attacks, Ren dropped his childish voice for a moment in yet another imitation of Tobi, and asked in a deep tone, "Right, idiot?"
Pein had no idea what to think, but his eye twitched at the insult.
Ren was honestly running out of ideas, but acting silly like this was not only to piss them off but also a way to distinguish himself from his usual persona.
It was time to cut his losses and get out.
But before that, there was one more thing he dearly wanted to do.
Using Pein's momentary distraction from all the unexpected cryptic revelations, Ren managed to switch places with him with a substitution technique.
It would not usually work. But the man was distracted and distraught enough.
Well, Ren wanted it to be just another distraction, but he was not one to look a gifted horse in the mouth or waste such a nice opportunity.
"Konan." He said as the bluenette froze for a brief moment. Her eyes widened, and she started to turn toward him as he continued, "I always thought you were beautiful."
With that, Ren grasped her right wrist that was about to flick paper shurikens at him, stopping her attack before it could even begin. Ren then took a step forward, intruding on her comfort zone as his other hand snaked around her waist and firmly grasped her butt, making her gasp in surprise at the audacity.
Quickly using chakra to pull his mask slightly to the side, not enough to show his identity, but enough to free his lips, Ren took advantage of Konan's gasp and the fact that his hand was around her waist to pull her into a deep kiss, pushing his tongue into her mouth as he gave her the best french kiss he could pull off.
He honestly expected her to bite, and was prepared for it, but Konan was clearly far more sexually frustrated than he expected, because of all possible reactions, he did not expect her to clumsily return the kiss.
She was quite inexperienced, but eager.
At least, for the two seconds before her mind caught up to her instincts and her eyes widened as she realized what she was doing.
Before she could properly bite his tongue off, Ren was already pulling away from her with a cheeky grin only she could see, and gave her one last firm swat on her butt, making her yelp as he jumped back, avoiding several very sharp paper spikes that burst from her chest area as she gave him a, dare he say, conflicted glare.
"Well, that's all I wanted to say after leaving that bomb somewhere in Amegakure. Toodles!" Ren cheerfully exclaimed as his mask slid back properly onto his face, and like a proper show-off, he let the space around him swirl as it teleported him away.
Only with the side of his eye did he see the utterly murderous expression on Pein's face, causing his heart to skip a beat right there.
Well, if nothing else, he definitely pissed them off enough.
But then the world readjusted, and he was once again standing in his new house in the Land of Rice, full of anti-spatial seals that should prevent anybody from teleporting after him.
Would it work? Ren had no idea. In theory, it should be enough. But it's not like he could actually test it properly, so he opted to be cautious and did not teleport to any property with his real name on the deed.
Ren chuckled and pulled off his mask, before he fell on his knees and hands, wheezing. "Holy shit. That was close. I almost ran out of chakra."
Even his chakra storage seals were emptied.
And yet, he couldn't help but snicker some more, wondering how much time the Akatsuki members would waste, looking for the bomb that wasn't really there.
Ren's mind strayed toward the memory of the kiss, and his cheeks flushed a bit. He had told Ino and Hinata that this might happen. He actually planned it. Thankfully, they were quite fine with it, too.
Deidara was a mook. He wasn't important.
But Konan...
She was the woman who stood next to Pein at all times. She would be there for all his plans. And Ren now had a listening and tracking seal on the underside of her mouth.
It didn't even matter that Pein had Rinnegan. Konan's natural chakra would cover the chakra signature from the seal.
Ren had to thank Danzo for the idea. Ninjas were paranoid. But even they would not expect a seal inside the mouth unless they knew what to look for. And the underside of the mouth was such a hard spot to see, even when speaking face to face, that there was almost zero chance for it to be discovered.
Learning to apply it without the recipient feeling it was also very enjoyable, and Ren briefly wondered if he should ask Ino and Hinata for some remedial lessons.
He knew they enjoyed them a lot, too.
A wry smile appeared on Ren's face as his breathing was slowly stabilizing. That was his horniness speaking.
He had to admit, he enjoyed kissing Konan far more than he should have. He could still feel the faint taste of... was that a blueberry lipstick?
Ren ran his tongue over his lips and grinned.
Yes. Yes, it was. Kinky.
What a woman. He felt his heart beating in his chest and realized that he actually might be crushing on her!
... That was not supposed to happen.